Thursday didn’t get a report because of some special company I had last night!!!!!! Laura Lamar is working at Seafarer this summer (long story but thanks to her dating a Seagull guy). So I told her to come down on her nights off. After I got off work (wow….still not used to hearing myself say this) I met a group for dinner in Morehead: Laura, her boyfriend, Johnny (boyfriend’s best friend from school), another new staff member, and the Nagels (Katie and John). It was an awesome break for me especially since I got to talk about camp for all of dinner. And it was the first time ever that I got to talk about Seagull with Sea Gull counselors! I couldn’t help but constantly think about being there. It’s on my mind all the time; at work, at the beach house.
What if……
· I hadn’t torn my ACL
· If I decided to work at camp with my ACL anyways
I am stuck with this nagging regret that I don’t know if I can ever overcome. I have been living with it for 3 years now (since the last time I worked at camp). That’s why I applied to work this summer. Because I wanted to bring closure to myself and that feeling. Why did fate cause my injury? And why did things have to get even more difficult finding out that Laura Lamar was working (a person that I would have known and loved to have spent my summer with). Its like I am being taunted. I am trying to push camp away so it doesn’t destroy my inside feelings but at the same time how can I cover up something I love so so much. I keep coming up with excuses:
· You can’t go to camp forever; cherish the time you spent there
· The people have changed now; it won’t be the same; are you really willing to deal with the change
And yet that feeling lingers. The moments we spent last night talking about camp made me feel happy for the first time in a really long time. And then I started yelling at myself for choosing to do the internship when I knew all along that camp was what I really wanted to do. But instead I kept thinking about what other people wanted….my family thought I should try something new, my peers and academia would be more impressed with an internship than working at a camp.
But it was my last chance…….will I ever get to go back to camp. I feel like I have let it down. I realize now that I have become what I disliked so much as a camper…..the counselors that never came back. I loved seeing familiar faces, to know that people would always be there. How can I justify my actions? I have to go back. No I have to work there again. But I was planning on doing an internship in Germany next summer…..and then the next summer I graduate. Really? Is this the end. Did I just make perhaps the biggest mistake of my life. Why did this happen to me…….
Camp is everything to me. It is with me every day. Its what made me who I am inside and out. It gave me love and energy and the tools to navigate lifes obstacles. Camp Seafarer truly is the best place of all…..
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